Wednesday, 22 December 2010

Random Ramblings

Little Prince has been getting more and more upset about missing his birth family, more specifically his Birth Mum. This has been building up for a couple of years now, and he is now of an age where the enormity of his loss is sinking in :-( He keeps telling me he wants "his family" for Christmas, and no he doesn't mean us the family he lives with. His background is such that we wouldn't object to having direct contact with birth family, so I've been in touch with his Placing Authority to ask them to look into it. There are many, many things to consider before moving forward - would it be in Little Prince's best interests? Would he be able to cope with all the emotions this would bring up for him? Given his ASD and probable ADHD how will this affect his behaviour? Can we support him through this? And also how would Birth Mum cope? Would she even want to have contact with Little Prince and us? What would she get out of the contact? Would she be able to sustain the contact? Would she be able to act in Little Prince's best interests at any contact meetings? And there are probably many many more issues that we need to explore before we decide to go ahead or not. For my own part, I have always known that although Little Prince is utterly my much beloved son, he is not only mine - he is Birth Mum's too - he is ours, we will always share him. I can't and would never want to change that, it is a fact of adoptive parenting that I am completely at peace with. Perhaps because I was already a mother for 15 years before we adopted Little Prince, so I was secure in my position as a Mum and know that is what I am to Little Prince whether I gave birth to him or not. I have only ever had qualms about sharing Little Prince once when he was very little, he used to add the suffix "ily" (like at the end of famILY) to everyone's name in the family - so I was Mum-ily (Daddy was Dad-ily etc). One day when we were looking at photographs of his birth family, he pointed to Birth Mum and said Tummy Mum-ily, and there I had an instant pang of "NO that's MY name" which I had to keep inside and ignore, after all it was my issue and not Little Prince's - if he wanted to call his Birth Mum Tummy Mum-ily then it was his right and prerogative. I had to look at why I was possessive about that name, and work to get over it, and I am. I don't feel threatened or possessive about Little Prince wanting to see his Birth Mum, given the way he has always talked and acted, I have always known that he would want contact, so it is something that I have been considering for years now. I think that if all the issues can be worked out, that next Summer holidays could be a good time to have a contact meeting. Little Prince won't have school straight after an intensely emotional meeting, and will have time to work through his feelings, and possibly act them out too and hopefully settle down before he has to return to school. It is also away from the emotional stresses he feels about Christmas and his birthday (January). And given the fact that he WILL at some point want to initiate contact, I think now before puberty wreaks its hormonal havoc, would be a good time for him too. His Placing Authority will be getting back in touch in the New Year, and we will be having meetings to discuss all of this and the implications, many of which we probably haven't even considered yet. And until all that is ironed out we aren't mentioning anything to Little Prince, he so wants, craves and needs this contact that I don't want to raise his hopes and then have them dashed.

And now for some light relief!! The cats have a new toy and its making my stomach churn!! Its a dead and now frozen solid mouse on the patio!! I have been trying to work up the courage to go out and dispose of it, but I heave every time I think about it :-( URGH!!!


Anonymous said...

Good luck figuring it all out :) The Placing Agency or whoever will only act with Bro's best interests in mind, and they'll know what his Tummy Mum can and can't cope with :)

And eeewwww that's grooooss!!!


Janet said...

Thank you LMS :-) We'll just have to wait and see when we talk to them again in the New Year.
And yes it is GROSS!!!!

kn said...

Do you have the book '20 Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew' ?

I'm reading it now. If haven't read it, it's wonderful on the need for children to know their birth parents. It gives very practical tips on how to handle the situation also.


Janet said...

Hi kn,
I do have that book, but its been a while since I've read it. I'll get it out and read it again. Thanks for the reminder :-)


25th May 2009 - See New Child again & Court Date

23rd May 2009 - Fly back to Ethiopia

26th March 2009 - Fly to Ethiopia :-)

3rd March 2009 - Dossier Arrived at Orphanage

26th February 2009 - Dossier sent to Ethiopia

22nd December 2008 - Dossier back at DCSF

28th November 2008 - Certificate of Eligibility ISSUED

6th October 2008 - PASSED Approval Panel

7th July 2008 - Homestudy Update Started

28th Feb 2008 - Told LA we wished to change country


Formally withdrew from the China Adoption Programme 17th July 2008

LID (Logged in Date) with CCAA 16th August 2007

Documents to China 10th August 2007

Passed Approval Panel 5th March 2007

Homestudy started 6th June 2006

First Contact with our LA 1st Jan 2006